talesofmotherhood

What’s on my mind today? You might ask. Well, the answer is strollers (or prams as they’re called in Britain). At 18 months, I have just started putting Julian in a stroller for walks (and only when I’m exercising or if he asks for it). I still carry him on my back most of the time, and we both seem happier this way. We walk every day – at least a mile, and sometimes three or four miles – and I love keeping J close to me on our journeys. When he’s on my body, I feel more connected to him. I can talk to him about the trees and animals we see, breastfeed him when he wants, and sense when he needs to get down and pee.

Call me crazy, but until now I have seen absolutely no use for a stroller. They’re big, bulky, difficult to get in and out of cars, and they push babies away from you! I use one now to work out, so that I can run or power walk while J hangs out. He actually seems to enjoy it at this phase of his life, and frequently chimes “more run mama! More run!”, pushing me to work out harder. And believe it or not, I actually feel like I get much more of a workout pushing the stroller! People complain that carrying a baby is hard on the back, but I am way more out of breath and sore after a long walk with J off my body! I’m actually not sure how strollers have become as popular as they have…

Today, I came across a really neat article in a mainstream newspaper on strollers from an African woman’s perspective, so I thought I’d share.

African mothers see baby strollers as abhorrent fad

OK, so I haven’t gotten back to writing every day, but I’m working on it!

Yesterday was Husband and I’s one year anniversary! And the day was about a million times less stressful than April 10 last year! Don’t get me wrong, the wedding was beautiful – I’m just not sure why no one told me it was an AWFUL idea to plan and run a wedding with a six-month-old, the way I parent. It was by far one of the most stressful days of our lives. Even with all the amazing help we received from friends and family. BUT, it’s a day that we will always remember. I’m pretty sure some of those who helped us that day (and the days preceding) are probably still traumatized by the event. Sorry guys.

But back to present day. We have our final inspection on the house today, and after that it will be a simple matter of negotiation. I have learned so much about real estate over the past few weeks, but I’m excited to move on to this next phase! No matter what condition it’s in, buying an old house is rather scary. As you all know, Husband and I both tend to be pretty scattered and unorganized, so it looks like we’ll be learning how to better manage ourselves… or hiring personal assistants if that fails. HA. Anyone want to come organize the new house for us? We don’t have much extra money to give, but I cook!

As I write this, I am remembering why I started blogging daily in the first place. It grounds me! I process life best through writing. I hope those of you who read this get something out of it, but really, I probably get more from it than anyone.

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Reason 4 (100 Ways I strive to be more like my son)-

Julian doesn’t hold grudges! And I find this to be amazing, because I have a very hard time letting go of things. Just this morning, J reached his little hand into Lily’s dog bowl, picked up a handful, and threw it across the room. I am a pretty patient Mama, but for some reason, this is one action that drives me absolutely up the wall. I have a very hard time handling myself, and I got pretty frustrated with him. He looked concerned, but a few minutes later, I explained that I was sorry if I sounded rough, but that it was really important to me that Lily’s food stay in her bowl. He appeared to completely forgive me. It was like nothing ever happened. When do we lose this ability to forgive?

We held our Seder last night, in the lovely company of our friend Arwen and her daughter Ruby, and although it might have been non-traditional, we had a wonderful time. I meant to take a picture of the seder plate and table I prepared, but alas, I did not remember.

So, speaking of not remembering, I would like to focus this post on things I want to remember. Things about J. Lately, I’ve been noticing more how absolutely unorganized I am. I have a baby book for J, but it’s not up to date. And I write some things down in the notes section of my iPhone, but it’s not enough. Every day, J does or says something that amazes me. He is more delicious each moment. So, here are some moments I want to remember.

- Yesterday, J said “thank you” to me for the first time. I should note that we have never asked him to say “thank you” for anything – we believe in modeling thanks rather than asking him to parrot words before they have meaning – so he said it un-prompted. Spontaneously. And it warmed my heart so much. Today, he said it to his Daddy too.

- J’s two top eye teeth have FINALLY cut through (as of last Tuesday or Wednesday)! The bottom ones are almost there (I think – they could be in by now, but J often doesn’t let me look in his mouth).

- The other day, J looked at his toy Elmo’s open mouth and said “Elmo yawning!” His imagination is really kicking in

- I think I’ve already mentioned this one, but J’s new favorite phrase is “Come, Mama! Play, Mama!” He now comes to take my hand and lead me rather than wait for me to lead him. Some other popular phrases are “There you go”, “OK”, “Hey, baby”, “Up on me Mommy!”, and “Waaaho!”

- J’s current favorite things include (in no particular order): boats, airplanes, ambulances, fire trucks, hiding, walks, the playground, shoes!, playing fetch with the dogs, Our cat, and “1…2…3!” games (anticipation).

- J still wakes up happy 99% of the time, and there’s nothing better than his big, beautiful, pure smile. It’s like he’s never been happier to see me!

- Yesterday, J took of his pants by himself for the first time.

- My favorite J-isms (some of which he’s already outgrown): “Noonie” means Julian (and also smoothie…), “Kiki and Aynay” are Shanea and Lily (our dogs), “Noona” is his friend Juna, “Daya” is our cat, Freya. “Agodago” is avocado. “Mitmah” is his word for nursing.

- J now knows how to perform both an attitude and a relevé (dance terms, for those of you who might not know)

I’m sure there are many other things I’m forgetting at the moment, but these are some of the important ones. And, because I have not forgotten about “100 ways I aspire to be more like my son”, here is #3 -

(3) I often admire the confidence and energy level behind J’s movement. He puts his entire body and soul into each lift of a finger, and it’s so exciting (and exhausting) to watch. I want to bottle that energy and take it to the stage.

I have decided to host a real Pesach (Passover) Seder tomorrow night. I use the term “host” loosely, because I’m pretty sure that our table will consist of myself, J, and Husband, but I’m still excited. I have downloaded a Haggadah (the story of Passover, blessings, etc.), and in the morning I plan to make gluten-free matzo and coconut macaroons to include in tomorrow’s Kosher dinner. Since I’m already gluten-free, I don’t think it will be as hard for me to go without leavening this year, but we will see. I do enjoy my gluten-free bread.

For some reason, Passover is the Jewish holiday that I seem to get into the most. Maybe it’s because I had such a wonderful Pesach experience in Asheville last year? Whatever the reason, it seems like a good starting point to me. Ive probably said this before, but one of the reasons I love Judaism so much is because it’s so rich in ritual. Rituals ground me and bring me a sense of connectedness and purpose. When performing rituals such as Shabbat blessings on Friday nights, it fills me with warmth to know that Jews everywhere, all over the world, are reciting the same prayers and lighting the same candles at the same time. My need for community surfacing again…

I’m beginning to add small rituals into J and I’s daily rhythm – such as lighting a candle and saying thanks before bedtime and singing blessings before meals. My goal is to expand these daily rituals to include more seasonal and special occasion rituals. Actually, this reminds me of a great book that a great mama once recommended to me, by Becky A. Bailey, PhD, called:

I Love You Rituals

It’s definitely worth a read! I think that rituals are wonderful ways to connect with little ones. I mean, think about the Christmas morning phenomenon. How many life-long memories are created on Christmas each year? (PS. Even though we are raising J Jewish style, we still do Christmas – it’s completely secular to me). I love the idea of giving my children little (and large) moments they can count on and look forward to, whether it’s a Pesach Seder or a secret handshake performed only on snow days.

So I’ve been trying to write an entry for about a week now, and I never seem to get more than two sentences down at a time. I would like to go back to writing every day, but I think I’m going to have to give up the long, more meaningful entries and return to my stream-of-consciousness style posts. maybe those are more fun anyway – you get a better idea of who I actually am and what goes on in my crazy head.

J’s new favorite phrase is “Come, Mama!” He says it so sweetly, it is very hard to resist. He holds out his hand and waits for mine.

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*Connection:

1. A relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else
2. The action of linking one thing with another

Lately, connection has been at the forefront of my mind. It’s a fascinating topic. As humans, we are connected to each other, to the Earth, to the moon, to ourselves, to the food we eat, to the air we breathe. As the definition above states, we carry these associations with us throughout life. However, it seems to me that as a population, we are becoming less connected to people and earthly things and more connected to material and electronic things. As a parent, my connection to (and my relationship with) Julian is my top priority. I truly believe it’s the most important thing I will ever give him.

Gordon Neufeld, co-author of Hold On To Your Kids and attachment research extraordinare, describes attachment as follows:

What is attachment? Most simply stated, it is a force of attraction pulling two bodies toward each other… In the psychological realm, attachment is at the heart of relationships and of social functioning. In the human domain, attachment is the pursuit and preservation of proximity, or closeness and connection: physically, behaviorally, emotionally, and psychologically. As in the material world, it is invisible and yet fundamental to our existence. A family cannot be a family without it. When we ignore it’s inexorable laws, we court trouble.

Neufeld goes on to say that parenting is virtually impossible without a strong attachment. This is why teachers and babysitters, and even step-parents, have such a hard time working with kids. If a child doesn’t love, respect, and admire his caregiver, why would he even bother to listen to her? So attachment is not only necessary to raise a healthy, happy child, it is necessary to raise a healthy, happy parent.

That said, there are many things I do in attempt to keep my relationship with J strong. Some of them may be more obvious than others, such as the tenants outlined in “attachment parenting” – extended breastfeeding, baby wearing, co-sleeping, and gentile guidance – but there are other, more subtle ideas and gestures that I find equally important (some of which probably fall under gentile guidance). For example, I respect almost all of J’s wishes, as long as they’re not detrimental to him or me, because he is his own person and in charge of his own mind and body. I don’t force him to wear clothes when he’s dead-set against it, and I trust him to carry glasses around and climb tall ladders. I don’t shame or guilt him when he makes a mistake or “experiments” in a way that I would prefer him not to. I am excited to read Hold On To Your Kids (I’m only on chapter two), because even with the amount of effort I put into maintaining a strong Mama-J connection, there are times when I find it so difficult. I strive for my connection with j to give him feelings of love, warmth, and complete acceptance. I want him to never have to feel alone, and being only one person, I sometimes find this challenging.

If J and I were part of a tribe or larger family, people would surround us constantly. Imagine passing other people as you walk through your daily routine and receiving smiles, eye contact, and a hug or a pat on the shoulder. Imagine you receive even 30 greetings like this a day (I’m sure there would be more in a real tribe). Imagine how full you would feel.

I’m sure it’s absolutely impossible to give a child this amount of warmth and contact as mother in today’s world, but the thought of it (as well as a stimulating conversation with some other moms whom I adore), has inspired me to find more passing moments within which I can connect with J. So, I’m implementing some suggested strategies, because a stronger connection = a happier J AND a happier Mama.

Strategy #1 – Make more eye contact, whenever and wherever possible.

Strategy #2 – Don’t go longer than 10-15 minutes without “checking in”. For example, if I am cooking, and J is playing in the living room, I simply take a minute or two every 10-15 minutes to connect with him. This might mean taking him to the potty if he needs or just giving him a hug, some eye contact, and a warm smile

Strategy #3 – Spend less time on the iPhone while J is awake. I find myself drawn into the phone as if it were a TV at times :/ and it pulls me emotionally out of the hear and now.

Strategy #4 – Speak more consciously. It’s so easy to fall into speaking habitually – “good job” is the best example I have, but I avoid praising, so for me it’s more like “I see that”, or “Mmmhmm”. The problem lies in tone, though. When I say “I see that” without consciously seeing it with my eyes and heart, the statement is empty and meaningless.

So, this is where I am right now. And just to completely change topics, have I written about our new house? We are under contract and dealing with inspectors and structural engineers at the moment, but I am SO excited. It’s a dream house. Better even in some ways than the one we lost.

Here’s a picture:

I promise to start writing more. (And I am using eye contact and saying this with meaning!)

*Thanks to Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary

It’s been too long.

But, what a week. I am finally feeling good again. My mom is in town. And, we are under contract!

That’s right folks, we may have ourselves a house! And not just a house- a beautiful, story-book house complete with wrap-around porch, picket fence, and original (1928) hardwood floors! Pending inspection and all (which we are quite worried about – might have structural issues, but more on that later!), it is ours!

On another note – I feel like I’m finally out of my dark place, and now that I can see the light, parenting is such a joy. J turned 18 months old last week, and he is different every minute. I can’t believe I spent so many minutes over the past few months not fully enjoying him.

*I would like to note that as I was writing the above paragraph, he proceeded to pee all over me and the bed. Not at all enjoying that. Neither is Husband apparently, because he just stormed off into the living room.

So, it was a quite crappy end to a somewhat decent day, but I hope tomorrow morning will be better.

I hope the universe hadn’t decided to smite me once again…

I’d post a picture of the house here, but I don’t want to jinx it, so here’s some info about the book I just ordered on Amazon – Hold in to Your Kids. I’m SO excited to read it, because my connection to J is constantly on the forefront of my mind right now.

Hold On To your Kids – Neufeld Institute

So, even though we were outbid on our dream house, it appears that we have popped our make-an-offer cherry. We haven’t made another offer yet, but we are definitely on the hunt. We even drove to Durham today to see a few houses there (courtesy of a push from a friend) . While we aren’t sure where in the Triangle we’ll end up, we have (I believe) decided to stay in this area. The way I see it, Husband’s job is here, so whether we like it or not we are stuck here until he a.) finds a different job, or b.) has enough freelance work to get out of a 9-6. Either of those situations could occur a year from now, or ten years from now. So, why live in limbo?

Embrace the now.

This is what I’m trying to do, at least.

Now, the real question seems to be Raleigh or Durham. We know people in both places, but each city seems to have its perks. Raleigh has Husband’s job, and it’s already familiar and comfortable. Durham is crunchier and has some awesome food, beautiful trees, and cheaper houses.

Fast forward about eighteen hours (because apparently that’s how long it takes me to write an entry these days), and once again there’s an offer on our favorite house. It looks like we will be deciding today whether or not we can see ourselves in Durham. GAH!

I am having an extremely difficult time making this decision. I mean, in one day we could be deciding where we will spend the next twenty years of our lives! That’s a lot of pressure. This could be the house Julian remembers as the house he grew up in. It could decide his childhood friends. The school he attends. The trees he climbs.

In order to sort out conflicting desires in my brain, I would like to tell you all a story.

Last Tuesday, I was feeling down and decided to take Julian on a walk to the park. The weather was beautiful. It was one of the first days that truly felt like Spring. I love Spring, but I particularly love the first days of Spring. There’s something utterly magical about them. On this particular day, It was 70 degrees, and the flowers were beginning to bloom. The mosquitos that are already emerging a week later were no where to be found, and the pollen that now coats our cars and roofs was still hidden beneath rose petals. It was the day when all the neighborhood adults emerged from their winter cocoons to sit on front porches and guzzle beers, watching their kids play in the streets.

Julian and I spent about two hours at the park, surrounded by dozens of other children and parents embracing the warm weather. I felt like a different person – like something in me had changed. I was happy. Confident. I struck up conversations with strangers, and I was completely nonjudgemental (a description that I admit has not fit me in recent months). As the sun sunk lower in the sky and other families began to walk home discussing dinner plans, I told J that it was almost time for us to leave too. As we packed up our bag, and I flipped J over my shoulder and into the Ergo, I made a split-second decision to take the long way home. Husband was working late, and I had no real dinner plans, so I thought why not? I could walk through Mordecai, take another look at a few houses on our maybe list, and get a better feel for the neighborhood.

I can confidently say that, on that long walk home, I found much more than I bargained for. Still filled with the confidence and energy that somehow engulfed me earlier, I introduced myself to almost everyone I passed. I felt as if I was walking through a different city. Friendly people were everywhere – On front porches, playing catch in their front yards with kids, walking dogs. I met Tanja, who’s son is Demarcus. Demarcus is three, and Julian spent about half an hour playing happily with him while Tanja and I chatted about train tracks and listservs.

After leaving Tanja’s yard, we met a four-year-old boy named Sam and his dad, and his dog (who’s name I have since forgotten). They were talking to their friend Claire who lived down the street. Julian and Sam became friends instantly, walking the dog down the street together and tossing a golf ball down Claire’s driveway. Sam’s dad and Claire and I talked about the neighborhood. They had both lived on the same street for ten years and had nothing but great things to say about the area. Sam’s dad even walked me down the street to introduce me to his friend Karen and her partner. Karen handed me a “vote against the amendment” sign to put in my yard. I had been wondering where to get one!

At this point, Julian and I had been out for about four and half hours, and the sun had begun to fall below the horizon. As J rubbed his eyes, I hiked him onto by back and into the Ergo again, and we headed home. I hummed J’s favorite songs as we walked. He was quiet and content, and as we turned onto our street, I noticed there was a spring in my step that had been missing for quite some time.

Now, I think I could look at this story two different ways.

A.) It was a turning point in my life, but one that could have/would have happened no matter what neighborhood I was in. Or…

B.) It was a turning point and a sign from the universe. We are meant to live in Mordecai.

The whole experience felt so right to me. It was as if, for once, I was meant to be where I was. I know I probably could have had this experience other places. Parts of Durham certainly have similar neighborhood vibes, but I wasn’t in Durham. I was in Raleigh, and remember, I’m embracing the now.

With that said, I’m waiting to hear from our Realtor about seeing the house in Durham again. It’s now or never.